Thanks by the canful (for cranberries)

It’s alarming that some people have never known the joy of genetically altered jelled cranberry slime, and frankly, it’s Un-American.

cranberryIf you have to spend $$$$ for whole cranberries and boil the #$% of them for 12 hours with orange rind and nutmeg to show everyone how fancy you are, that’s fine— Just know that while everyone’s eating your lumpy schpoo— They’ll all be jealous of me, eating my $1.29 can of good ol’Pilgrim deliciousness. Mmmmmmm.

You guys all enjoy your “recipes” and your “fancypants” today. I’ll be busy partaking in a great American tradition. I like both… but only one is Thanksgiving, the other is Food Network.

In fact, you know what? Forget the turkey. Just get me my own can-shaped blob of cranberry-flavored chemical loaf. This is what I’m thankful for…